Many couples in crisis look to marriage counseling to help them avert divorce. Their assumption is that a counselor will be able to identify and overcome their problems. Once their differences are resolved, the spouses can pick up where they left off.
But is that expectation realistic? Can couples therapy actually save your marriage and pave the way for you and your spouse to enjoy happiness again? In essence, does it hold the key to marital bliss?
The answer is maybe. It works for some, but is less effective – indeed, completely ineffective – for others. The reasons involve what takes place during the therapy sessions. We’ll discuss some of the hidden truths about marital counseling below so you’ll know what to expect should you and your spouse elect to attend.
Marriage Counseling Is Not A Magic Bullet
Marital counseling is not a cure-all for troubled relationships. Many couples get divorced after spending considerable time with a counselor, airing their grievances and trying to find workable solutions. When a relationship eventually implodes, there is an impression that the couple was on the cusp of mending their differences. Had they only endured through continued therapy, they might have saved their marriage.
Let’s debunk this fallacy.
Couples therapy does not guarantee that a relationship will survive if only the troubled spouses continue to attend the sessions for a long enough period. Some people seek counseling for years when they would be better served getting divorced. For many of them, the therapy sessions serve as a stopgap measure that postpones their decision. Meanwhile, their relationship is caught in a sort of limbo, preventing both parties from getting on with their lives.
It’s worth noting that counselors are rarely willing to suggest that a couple seeking therapy proceed with a divorce. In fact, few are proactive in recommending that couples discontinue their sessions.
Many Marriage Counselors Are Unmarried Or Divorced
Surprisingly, many counselors have never been married or worse, been divorced (in some cases, more than once). That doesn’t necessarily mean they’re ill-equipped to offer advice to married couples about the criteria for a successful relationship. For example, there are likely countless individuals who are obese, yet knowledgeable about healthy dietary habits and exercise.
Having said that, one might wonder whether an unmarried or divorced counselor is the best person to help a troubled couple resolve their marital problems.
What To Expect From The Counseling Sessions
The main purpose of marriage counseling is to encourage spouses to communicate openly with each other about their respective gripes. It is essentially a forum that encourages talking. The counselor or therapist – the former can practice without a license; the latter must be licensed to practice – acts as a mediator.
The first few sessions typically begin with the counselor asking questions designed to draw out information from both spouses. Oftentimes, one or both parties are uncommunicative or hostile. When they finally open up, it is critical that they are honest about the things that are bothering them.
To be sure, there’s nothing pleasant about marriage counseling. Discussing one’s grievances with his or her spouse is hard enough; doing so in front of a stranger is doubly so. But it can have a positive effect on a relationship in crisis. If both spouses are honest, open with each other, able to understand the other’s point of view, and willing to compromise, they can potentially save their marriage.
Unfortunately, many couples are beyond the point of understanding and compromise. Making matters worse, many counselors allow the sessions to take on an adversarial tone.
Where Marital Counseling Goes Wrong
Counseling sessions often devolve into complaining, with one spouse relentlessly pointing out the other person’s shortcomings. It’s surprisingly common for counselors to allow this to happen, either because they lose control of the sessions or because they secretly favor the complainer.
Needless to say, this tends to have a negative impact on the couple’s relationship. Communicating feelings and hidden hurts is valuable and can set the stage for two spouses who love each other to heal their wounded marriage. One-sided complaining during marital counseling often has the opposite effect.
When It’s Time To Seriously Discuss Divorce
If you and your spouse are attending couples therapy – or considering doing so – approach it with the right expectations. Moreover, avoid letting the sessions prevent you from deciding the fate of your marriage. There are very few reasons to attend counseling for years, as many couples find themselves doing.
Try to communicate with your spouse. Try to resolve your differences. Try to bridge the gap that separates you. But realize that at some point, it may become clear that divorce is your best option.