Children often experience a considerable amount of stress when their parents divorce. Their world, usually stable, is shaken. Worse, the aftermath is uncertain. Lacking the foresight of adults, they have no idea what will come next.
Doubts about the future can eat away at a young person’s sense of security. For example, he may wonder if his mom and dad will be accessible to him in the weeks, months, and years to come. Unfortunately, many divorcing parents are dealing with their own emotional turmoil, and neglect to take the time to talk to their children about their divorce.
It’s important to let your kids know about your decision to end your marriage. Only then can you alleviate their fears and assure them that your decision won’t destroy the bond they share with you or your future ex. That’s an important step toward creating a healthy, productive co-parenting arrangement with your spouse.
Disclosing Your Decision To Divorce To Your Kids
Full disclosure with both parents present is usually the best approach. Sit down with your children and explain the circumstances. There’s no need to go into the events that prompted your and your spouse’s decision to end your marriage. Rather, explain the current situation: you and your husband or wife will no longer be living under the same roof.
Help your kids to understand how the new situation will affect them (hopefully, minimally). Let them know that the relationship they share with each of you remains unchanged. Both you and your spouse continue to love them just as much as you did before deciding to seek a divorce. Be brief and clear, especially if your kids are young. Encourage them to ask any questions they have.
Until your settlement and divorce are final, there might be a lot of questions you won’t be able to answer. For example, you may not know whether you and your kids will continue to live in the same home. Nor will you know how often they’ll be able to see and spend time with their other parent.
Don’t get discouraged. It’s more important to let your children know what’s happening and encourage them to come to you with questions at any time. You can provide answers when you have them.
Common Mistakes Parents Make After Splitting Up
Because divorce is such an emotional affair, couples with children often do things – whether out of anger, fear, or shame – that sabotage their ability to co-parent. For example, some spouses malign each other in front of their kids. Some use their children as pawns or “bargaining chips.” They seek to gain control over unrelated matters (e.g. expanded visitation rights in exchange for more alimony) or to wound the other person in some way.
Many divorcing couples try to get their kids to “spy” on each other. Others try to instill feelings of guilt in their kids for wanting to spend time with the other parent. Still others try to enlist their children against each other, forcing them to choose sides.
If you plan to make joint custody work, it is important that you avoid the above mistakes. Resist the temptation to lash out at your ex, particularly through your kids. Doing so will only erode their sense of security and needlessly expose them to stress.
Tips For Co-Parenting While Getting A Divorce
A co-parenting arrangement requires that you and your husband or wife first call a cease-fire. Avoid yelling or arguing, in person or on the phone. If your ex makes a sneering remark, let it go. Responding in kind will set the stage for a fight.
Document the arrangement you have with your spouse. Treat it like a contract; leave nothing to chance or the imagination. For example, specify when each party will spend time with the kids. Note who will drop them off and pick them up from school during the week. Detail the steps both parties should take when changes to the co-parenting plan are unavoidable.
It’s also a good idea to spell out how both parties are expected to communicate with one another. For example, you might agree that calling on the phone should be the first option. If the person calling is unable to reach the other party, he or she should leave a message and send a text or email.
Also, try to keep the co-parenting arrangement separate from everything else that involves your divorce and your ex-spouse. Doing otherwise will only complicate matters.
Regardless of how you feel about your ex, it is possible to come up with a plan that ensures your children can spend time with both of you. There will be times when you’ll need to make adjustments. Along the way, you may feel frustrated and angry. That’s normal after divorce. Find a way to vent those feelings, but do so outside of the arrangement you have with your spouse and the relationship you enjoy with your kids.