It’s difficult to remain objective during your divorce. That’s understandable. You and the person you thought you’d live with for the rest of your life are going your separate ways. That can unleash a range of emotions that cause you to lose sight of the “big picture.” If you and your spouse have kids, the ordeal becomes even more complicated. Not only must you decide how to split your marital assets, but you must also figure out how to share parenting rights. That can try anyone’s nerves.
In this article, we’ll offer several suggestions for getting through your divorce with as few headaches as possible. If you’re finding it hard to focus on the big picture, try to keep the following 6 points in mind.
#1 – Candor Is Critical
You may be tempted to hide things from your future ex-spouse or lawyer. You might think that doing so will either spare you embarrassment or allow you to retain control of certain assets. But there are good reasons to be honest.
Consider: although it is possible that your lack of disclosure may never be discovered, it is far more likely that it will be. If it becomes evident that you tried to hide something, its discovery will only hurt your case.
#2 – It’s Not A Competition
Hurt feelings often cause divorcing spouses to look upon each other as enemies. Rather than seeking to dissolve their marriage as quickly as possible, they try to get the better of the other person. As a result, negotiations over every aspect of their divorce become a high-pitched battle. Neither side is willing to compromise for fear of losing ground to the other.
This scenario invariably leads to litigation. Unfortunately, the judge’s rulings are likely to be unsatisfying to both spouses. If anything, taking matters to the courts is just more expensive.
Work with your future ex-spouse rather than against him or her while filing for divorce. You’ll put the experience behind you more quickly at lower cost, with less stress, and better results.
#3 – Litigation Is Usually A Bad Idea
Litigating a divorce is almost always a bad idea. First, as noted earlier, doing so is expensive. It’s not uncommon for an acrimonious divorce to cost $50,000 or more to resolve in court. Second, going through the courts also requires a significant amount of time. Backlogs can push cases back by several months. Third, there is no way to know how a judge will decide the case.
Fortunately, there are several alternatives to litigation, including mediation, collaborative divorce, and of course, filing an uncontested divorce. Using the courts should be considered a last resort.
#4 – Resentment Can Become An Obstacle
It’s normal to focus on your spouse’s misdeeds when going through a divorce. His or her temper, lack of follow-through, or tendency to explore extramarital romantic relationships might have contributed to the demise of your marriage. But allowing yourself to become consumed by your spouse’s past transgressions will only make it harder to focus on negotiating a fair settlement.
Don’t allow resentment to cloud your judgment or distract you from the things that truly matter. Concentrate on making sure your settlement agreement accommodates your priorities, such as time with your kids or keeping the family home.
#5 – Your Children Are Impressionable
Many divorcing couples treat their children like pawns caught in the middle of their ongoing power struggle. For example, one spouse might make disparaging comments about the other in front of the couple’s kids. Or, both spouses might subtly try to enlist their kids’ support against the other person.
It’s important to realize that young children forced to endure their parents’ divorce will continue to see both parents. For them, very little changes (with the exception of living in two places). Foisting the emotional drama of a divorce onto kids typically has adverse effects on them.
Try to shield your children from any anger you feel toward your future ex-spouse. The divorce process is likely to already be a traumatic experience for them. Help them get through it with minimal discomfort by staying levelheaded.
#6 – Your Attorney Can Offer The Best Advice
Take stories offered by other people who have been through a divorce with a grain of salt. Their experiences will not necessarily be the same as your own. Every case is different. Every case encompasses a unique set of circumstances.
Your divorce lawyer is the individual best-suited to offer advice. He or she can describe how judges tend to approach certain disputes. Your attorney can also present your options for avoiding litigation, and make recommendations based on your circumstances. Even if you plan to file an uncontested divorce, it is advisable to at least consult an experienced attorney for advice.
Getting a divorce doesn’t have to be the emotional roller coaster many divorcing couples experience. The more even-tempered and reasonable you and your spouse are during the settlement negotiations, the more easily you’ll be able to move on with your life.