A common narrative in marriages where the partners are considering a divorce is that splitting up will have a harmful effect on their kids. Children who watch their parents break up are believed to experience numerous adverse psychological effects. For example, studies have found an increased incidence of bedwetting, illness, and poor social development among adolescents whose parents divorce.
But some experts also point out that divorce in certain situations can actually have a net positive effect on children. Rather than kids suffering emotional wounds that take years to heal, they actually benefit from the breakup. To most people, the idea seems counterintuitive. It is inconsistent with what they’ve been told. But as you’ll see below, young people can – and often do – benefit when Mom and Dad split up.
#1 – Reduced Household Tension
When a child’s parents are arguing, she feels stress. The level of tension in the household increases significantly. To a child, it can feel almost palpable.
Stress manifests itself in young people in a variety of ways. Some kids begin to exhibit disrupted sleep patterns, digestive issues, and other health problems. Others become destructive – at home and elsewhere. Still other children develop signs of ADHD or display a variety of behavior problems.
Getting divorced breaks this dynamic. The parents live in separate places, and thereby limit their exposure to one another. The tension between them, at least as a continuous feature of the child’s life, declines considerably.
#2 – More Joy In Both Parents
In the same way a child feels stress when her parents argue, she feel a sense of contentment when they are happy. She feels secure in their joy. The health issues and behavior problems that surface when a young person is exposed to constant tension between her parents are less likely to appear.
Oftentimes, this positive dynamic is only possible when the parents divorce. Mom and Dad, now separated and living their own lives, are generally more upbeat than was the case when they were living under the same roof.
#3 – Lesson In Independence
A child whose parents have divorced has a chance to observe both of them as individuals. While married, Mom and Dad’s lives may have been so entwined that their distinctive personalities and temperaments might have been suppressed. Once they are living on their own, apart from each other, the child can enjoy their unique qualities.
Here, divorce can impart a useful lesson for the child. She learns there is value in being her own person rather than always conforming to another’s wishes.
#4 – Example Of A Healthy Relationship
When kids are exposed to their parents’ constant bickering and yelling, they learn that relationships are filled with strife and confrontation. That lesson may cause them to question whether pursuing a relationship is worthwhile given the misery it seems to bring. Some kids become emotionally detached from others in an attempt to shield themselves from the same type of heartache.
When Mom and Dad divorce, both are free to pursue healthy relationships. Their children, who might have previously concluded that getting married leads to despair, learn instead that establishing a rapport with someone can lead to happiness.
#5 – Full Attention Of Both Parents
Kids need the attention of both parents. That’s how they feel connected to them. Unfortunately, when Mom and Dad are busy fighting – or avoiding each other – their children are often neglected. They are deprived of the attention they crave. Even in healthy marriages, kids often receive a majority of the parental attention from one parent while the other one works.
When Mom and Dad divorce, their children receive attention from both of them. Each parent strives to make their kids feel comfortable and at ease in the other parent’s absence.
To be sure, divorce can be a traumatic experience for kids. Their world, as volatile as it may have been with Mom and Dad fighting, shifts under their feet. That can make any young person feel insecure and anxious about the future.
But it’s worth noting that divorce can have a positive impact on kids. It can free them of a household environment that is unhealthy and oppressive. It can also set the stage for kids to experience their parents in ways that could never have been possible otherwise.